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hellovello's journal
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I recall about the first time you got admitted. I couldn't control my tears and I cried in front of dad. I look at your frail face and thought you'll not be able to make it this time. Thank god you recovered and went home. Things didn't get better, in fact it got worse. Your legs start to swell and you started to get weaker. You were admitted to the hospital the second time. I really thought this would be the end. Not that I don't want to talk to you or stay a little longer, I want but I can't becos I'll cry uncontrollably. Then again, I'm really thankful to god that you can return home again. That was when we were told that you won't have much time left. I tried my best to visit you after work despite being very tired but I truly regret now that i did not do so everyday. I was lazy and only think about meeting friends on weekends that was why I didn't go to your place. I should spend more time with you but I didn't. I'm sorry. I hate myself for not leaving the office earlier so at least I could see you for the last time before your last breathe. I hate myself even more becos I didn't dare to go into your room and call you when I reached. I know it is impossible to return to that time for me to do so again. I believe you can see my crying, I know you'll cry with me too. Can you come and give me a hug now? I want to hold your hand and drive you around. I want to buy you your favourite food and listen to your stories. You know you've become the softest spot in my heart. Anything that reminds me of you will make me tear. This is not my first time sobbing bitterly silently. I miss you. 我一直在逃避 Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. |
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Dear ah ma, You must be sad seeing your silly granddaughter sobbing bitterly, secretly. I'm sorry because I can't control my emotions. Losing you is worse than losing anyone else in the world. Couldn't stop thinking about you calling me when I was young during rainy days because you were afraid I'm alone at home and got frightened when the lighting strikes - I told you while on your way to cremation that you don't have to worry because I'm a grown up now and I'm not afraid of lighting and thunder. Sorry I refuse to pick up your call last time because I couldn't stand listening to you repeating the topics again and again - how I wish you can call me now and I'll talk to you for as long as you want. I miss your voice. I miss hearing you call my name. I regret not visiting you on Fridays and Saturdays because I wanna go out with friends. I can no longer walk to your coffin and talk to you alr. Ah ma, can you hear me? Can you see me? Bring ah gong along when you wanna come over to my place ok? Tell ah gong about me, let him know me better. You're a happy old lady now. No more pain, no more yelling, no more maid to bully you, no more suffering. You're in a better place now, a place where you can walk by yourself, drink as much coffee as you want, eat your favorite food and make your favorite kueh. You must watch me from above, you must know that I'm missing you 24/7. I love you ah ma. I love you more than I love anyone. I will remember this pain and make sure nth can hurt me more than this. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
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Dear Grandma, I feel sad because you no longer recognize me. I feel sad looking at you. I feel sad when your dont seem to understand what I say. I feel sad when I think of the past; the grandma who cares for me, dote on me more than anyone but now she couldn't do any of these. I feel sad everytime the image of your frail face appear in my mind. I feel sad everytime I think about you leaving us. I feel sad when I see you rejecting food. I feel sad because I am not prepared to let you go. I thought you would feel better than ytd but no, your health worsen. Tell me grandma, tell me is leaving us the best choice for you now. I cry myself to sleep since the day you admitted and I went to work with my swollen eyes. Ytd night was the worse night I ever had. I dont know how long can you still be with us. Forgive me for the little time I spend sitting by your side everyday, not uttering a word, i just want to feel your presence. Dear Grandma, my dearest grandma.
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Working life has been so far so good. The only pressure that comes from there is J. I need to put a stop to it. I hate living in fear, risking my life, license and future in the hands of his. Ah ma is my soft spot number one. Now pek pek become my soft spot number two. He dote on me more than my dad does. I complaint to mum about J and mum was very angry about it. She insist that she needs to tell pek pek about it and so she did. Pek pek confronted J and went over to talk to them about this issue. “伯伯只有你们两个孙，以后我死了东西全部都是你们的. Approach m Thank you pek pek, I love you.
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Spell G-R-A-D-U-A-T-E !! Attended my graduation ceremony this afternoon. Finally Im an official diploma graduate. Im free from school! (: no more being late, no more 966/168/169/902, no more W1, W4, W6 canteen, no more PPT slides, no more no more no more! Like I told Shaun, it's time for me to strive for my career and to turn my dream into reality. I know I can do it. Jiayou, Eileen! Thank you for accompanying me to school today <3 I was surprised by your willingness to follow me to school. I thought "lunching" in school was the reason why you wanted to go with me but no! (: you told me you've eaten before coming out. You wanted to stay in school to wait for me till ceremony ends but I told you to leave because you'll be bored. You came back to look for me after ceremony and we went for dinner together. Thanks for all the naggingsss these few days. I know you get very pekcek with my driving (HAHAHA) but still, you thought me useful skills and purposely give me difficult task to do; you say it's a form of training for me. I like how you always "save" our life by pulling my steering wheel (I am very very bad at sharp turning with fast speed) and say “你驾车的时候很吵！” You never scold me for the mistakes I did ; if your reaction wasnt fast enough I would have mount kerb or bang onto the obstacles like umpteen times. You knew I'll complain about the little space left for me to drive pass, thus planned and teach me how to do it even before i start the engine. You make me feel safe whenever you're beside me while driving (: Please continue to put a smile on my face.
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